Every day for a month.
It’s been a month since I started my new job and still I’ve received no real training. It’s extremely frustrating. As a person who needs to know everything, I can’t do any more than wait until someone decides to impart some wisdom and let me suck it up. I’m extremely lucky though, I live close to work, it pays OK and the people are nice and that should probably be enough. It’s not. After actually starting my job I realised I want to be good at, REALLY good at it, climb the ladder and gain respect for my work. This lack of understanding frustrates me. I am one of those people who enjoys understanding and without it because very bored. Constant learning is something I want to do and at the moment I can not.
Loneliness is something that ways heavily on me. After a year of being single I have realised that not having real contact with the opposite sex is depressing. After moving back from University I’ve realised that it’s extremely hard to meet people. People at my age are in two categories: With people or without. I am without. I have amazing friends and that is great but they’re not going to fuck me. As I’m sat here typing this I am thinking of ways to remedy this problem and I am coming up blank. I am extremely awkward, even if I do not seem so. I am loud to cover up that child like shyness. I find it extremely hard to make eye contact and even more impossible to act mature. When acting in a sane manner I can feel and see all my flaws and I panic and go into a regressive state, a state where I’m an arsehole. I’m working on it though and hopefully over the next month, I can update.
Music is a saving grace. Some really good albums have come out lately: Shields - Grizzly Bears, Nocturne - Wild Nothings and the new xx record. While having nothing interesting going on, these records keep me entertained. I do think I should write an album, I think I could. I guess I’m just scared of it being terrible and losing the dream for ever.
That’s all I can be bothered with right now. Will write again tomorrow.